At Attempt 6,000+ In My Project Folder
Up to about 6,000+ sessions in my project folders. In there is a bunch of FLP’s, wips, attempts and so on that I have stored in some messy abomination. The reason the folder is sentimental to me is that is when I just made the conscious choice to start producing music.
All I know is that there was something in me that wanted to create, I got tired of making excuses for why I never got into music and just took the time to invest in my studies, invest in equipment and deal with a ton of failures that haven’t exactly been fun along the way (somedays you just wanna pull your hair out when you aren’t able to do what you imagine). Despite that, I felt there was something in me I wanted to share with the world, so I just followed my instinct to rapidly grow in my own way as I knew what I wanted to do and had to put in the work to get there and I feel I’m more willing than most to just suffer for what I want.
I still don’t feel like I’m really growing somedays with my channel since I just feel I’m putting in a lot of work and not getting the result I want somedays when I do compare the amount of I work I put in my channel compared to others, but I’m a cynical person at times and I understand how pessimistic I can be. So, since I know I have a lot of negativity in my head due to a lot of bad experience, I just turn that off with my music and still persist. As the only way to grow sometimes is just through a lot of pain. It’s been that way with my running for instance as I’m someone that has thousands of recorded miles and every step is exhausting and can be painful, but it’s that pain that builds mental endurance to deal with whatever bullshit life decides to throw your way.
Probably why a lot of my music sounds dark to is because I can put a lot of that anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety, dread or whatever bullshit I feel in my head and heart into music, let it out for a bit, get a cathartic release and use that energy to just keep moving. As while I may feel a million different things that make me feel down, there is still something inside me that, even if there is a dim hope, it’s enough to keep that flame going until I decide I’m just tired of trying. And I haven’t reached that point, so I just persist as the only alternative I see is to give up and regret all the growth I could have had if I just maintained my vision. So that’s the only thing I can do at this point even if it feels like I’m going nowhere at times in some kind of hellish endless struggle in life.